how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
