I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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