Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
