my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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