I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
