When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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