I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It was confusing and full of hummus
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The beer is more important than you right now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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