I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
