Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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