tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
