Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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