420 ftw
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
