mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
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