i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize