Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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