Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The ass gains better be worth it
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