I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
