what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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