So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
