last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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