I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
