Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
