you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
