I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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