his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
organizing the empties. That sober.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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