I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
