If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
