What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
