Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
