The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
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