how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
