Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
