If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
