Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
