I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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