It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
