So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Don't EVER smell your tampon
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
