my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
