His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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