Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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