Sponge bath it is.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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