What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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