I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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