I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
