How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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