He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize