I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
