Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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