dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
