Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
