I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
