guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
