worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
